I'm dead... goodbye

swimming in piles of excrament
thinly veiled as culture
regurgitated and swallowed again
and again
blindly follow that shepherd
if eye's could atrophe yours could never recover
too bad you lost your familly because they're all fucking criminals

Date:	2004-01-08 23:54
Subject:	you know...
Security:	Public
Mood:	content

I think I'm going to see Bright Eyes on February 28th... I'm fucking psyched. I've been listening to a lot of Bright Eyes again lately. I also heard both Nada Surf, and Le Tigre for the first time the other day and both were sooooooo good haha... Hmm... Wow, I've been doing the rock thing in generall a lot more again.. The Walkmen are coming to the middle east and I want to go very badly... Rilo Kiley is also coming to the middle east... The shins too... And as far as hardcore I'm not sure what's coming up in the near future. I think booking Daughters was a dream that's not going to be realised saddly. My No Idea order should be in soon, I'm stoked about that... Hmm... I think today I came to the conclusion that if I keep this job and the hours I'm working I'll probably be able to afford to continue to live in boston without more loans.

The day I heard Le Tigre for the first time it was while I was working at GNC. This woman comes in and says "how can you listen to that" and proceeds to go look at something... I was pissed off... cause i mean fuck her, so yeah I went over and put in my hot cross cd.... needless to say she turned around and walked out of the store with the dumbest look on her face. FUCK YOU if you can't appreciate music for music's sake... she looked like the type of person without music... an empty person who listened to nothing... she had that aura about her... so odd... so sad...

I love you all

ok... so my roommate's nto so bad ;-) i'm drunk... we stole a wheel chair from an abandoned nursing home haha.dadghidsugihauidaghksuifghoisghipadgjofhiaghsaigjuidsah enough said haha ;-)

in my journal... but these words are so... i dont' know...

Bright Eyes - "Amy in the White Coat"

You take your clothes off right after school. The tea is on. The flame is blue. You hope this won't take all afternoon. The TV is waiting to talk to you. It's your naked body on the white velour but there is no feeling just weight on you. And you get nauseous as he speaks to you. Such proper language for acts so cruel. He says, "We all follow the riles and we can't very well go and break them, now can we, for you?" "Your older sisters I had them too. But you're my favorite. You know it's true. You look like your mother in that thin disguise. You parting mouth. Your shutting eyes. And the way that you hate me and the length of your hair. It is the reason I made you. It is the bond that we share. You see we are all trying to endure. You could easilly go and make your own life somewhere, couldn't you?" With the sun you rise but you keep your eyes shut. The alarm clock lies. Get to school on time. Where you're a bag of warm fluid. Where you're a corpse in the class. You walk so near to the lockers. You lay so low to the grass. Did you get that coat from the principal? Did you get that bruise on the bus? You should wash your hair more. You should look more like us. I saw you walking once under powder blue skies. But you looked cold still. Your collar was high. And I tried to talk to you but you walked right by. I don't know which I said then, hello or goodbye. Or that we all want to be pure but it isn't a very easy thing, now is it, to do?

Ok I could barely even type these words... My hands shook the whole time... wow...

Collapsing on April summer tour plan

two weeks

northeast

Day 1 MA
Day 2 Southern NY
Day 3 NJ
Day 4 Eastern PA
Day 5 off
Day 6 DC
Day 7 off
Day 8 OH
Day 9 Western PA
Day 10 off
Day 11 Western NY
Day 12 Upstate NY
Day 13 Vermont
Day 14 MA

this is the tentative idea... we hope to leave in late June... like the 25thish

it doesn't have to follow that exact plan in the end... and we could add a day to make driving better if we needed... and also fill in the off days if we felt it wouldn't be too much...

now i call out to the lj community lol... if anyone can help us out... get us in touch with someone... hook us up with a show... give us a place to crash... it would be greatly appreciated... you have no idea... hopefully we'll have the southern ny date set in the next few days and we can branch out from there...

i'm so psyched...

So last night Collapsing on April played a basement show.

recap:

25% of the pit left broken and bloodied... ok so there were only four kids in the "pit" but that's still a good fucking percentege

We fuckign played an amazingly tight set... this was true...

Kids who saw us at our last basement show litterally told us the reason they stayed back from the stage is they were afraid we'd hurt them...

Half the people at the show left after my band's set

IT WAS FUCKING NUTS

This band is really working well... Now I just need to get shit started with Stefan so he and I can go crazy, on stage.. and chill out backstage ;-) and yeah haha...

In related news Collapsing on April will be playing two shows this weekend... the first in the singer's garage... and the second in another basement... please IM me and ask for directions... I want everyone to come haha... I'll post them when i get them... we are also planning to record a 3 or 4 song demo saturday morning...

a new breed of recluse
never and always alone
victim to a box full of decietful stories of love
tales of chivalry in a dying world
a blind sheep led by a blind shepherd
watch that next step
the world hangs perilously by a thread

Date:	2003-12-31 09:26
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	content

Yesterday was a rough one. I worked from 9:30 to 4:30... I was scheduled to 2:30 but stuff came up. I could have stayed later, and they wanted me to, but I thought I had to be at my apt for my roommate. On my way back from work I started thinking about stuff. My a couple nights in a row of lost plans and it can get you down I guess, but it was more like the floor fell out from under me... Maybe I just needed to release the pent up emotions... It's all good. Stefan helped me through it. After that Drew came on, and we decided to hang out. I get to Park Street, and go down to get the Braintree train. An Ashmont train rolls by, and after it passes I notice a couple sceneish girls on the platform. When I got on the braintree train, one of them complimented my Cursive hoody, and gave me her screen name haha. That made my night, since part of the earlier breakdown had been do to lack of self esteem it was just wicked cool haha. The Drew and I hung out, and I ended up crashing at his place, and now I'm here, but about to head out again.. so yeah... I don't know... I still don't have plans tonight, which kind of sucks, but maybe soemthign will come up.

I must consult stefan on this one... so i'll do it here... is it a breach of smoking etiquite to not offer a friend's new friend a chance to smoke with the group? I don't know everytime I've been in this situation before whether i was smoking the opportunity was presented... sigh i just feel left out tonight... band practice fell through, and no one's around... so additional little thigns are just making it all worse heh... sigh...

copy and paste
voices lost
everything i hate
asshole facade
going postal
death as beauty
autumn frost
your blue lips
only a dream

what do ya'll think

wow... the writing in my last two entries was awfull heh... maybe i needed to clear out some cobwebs... i havn't updated in a while...

ok first... this is actually going to be a song... mayeb song name, but i'm leaning towards song haha

too bad you lost your familly because they're fucking criminals

that's it... maybe i'll add something... or yeah maybe it's just the title like i said i don't know.... also.... pig destroyer... i'm telling my dad about pig destroyer.. and how i don't get the name because it sounds like it could be death metal or something haha but the lyrics are so beautiful and what not... and i brought up that some of their lyrics are political... and he made such a valid and blatently obvious point... in the 60's the word "pig" was used to describe anyone in the "establishment" so the name "pig destroyer" could be more a political reference than simply a random name... haha... i love my dad...

also... i took two of his paintings with me for my room, and in a tipsy state the other day told him he should start painting again... and yesterday he said to take more than one and that this might have really inspired him to paint again... i certainly hope so, he was allways so happy when he painted...

yeah... i went home tuesday night for xmas. wednsday we drove up to upstate ny... we had dinner at my uncle's it went ok... better than expected... one of my other uncle's gf lives in boston... and she brought her kids... so we talked boston a bit... joked about how the box of old... i mean vintage... john deere trucker hats my uncle has would be worth a shitload of money in boston... the ones that you can buy at the john deere dealership for like 5 bucks haha... i got a bit tipsy heh... the next day we spent at my third uncle's heh... we statyed the night with him too.. and we did gifts and had a familly get together after... i got a pillow top mattress cover thing for my bed... sooo comfortable, i got the two towers dvd, and a bottle of smirnoff orange twist, and i got a quesadilla maker from my bro... he rocks... he was down with the atmoshphere cd i bought him haha...

during the familly get together my pseudo cousin... (my non blood related aunt's sister's daughter who my uncle and aunt took in because her familly's in jail) took my dad's seat as he got up and said "too bad you lost your seat cause' you're a chain smoker" and as he walked out the door said "that's so gross" she's fucking 17 or something... i almost said "too bad you lost your familly because they're fucking criminals" on the way back here yesterday i brought it up with my dad who actually almost said what i said haha... i tell you if she'd said something like that to me i'd have given that response... haha i can see it now... silence... fork hits kitchen floor, more silence... mouths wide open.... hahaha so good... my dad also said something about her being the kind of person that inspired kurt cobain to write smells like teen spirit... she's such a whiny, preppy, shallow girl who doesn't know how to use her brain... haha

yesterday collapsing on april played a basement show... it was kind of fun... we were supposed to play a real show tonight, and the whole ordeal almost tore us apart... sigh... in the end just as we were calming down and ready to be happy that we'd found a ride and the show would be fun... the drummer's parents decided he couldn't go... whatever... so instead of killing people we took the night off... i bought a benton falls cd... the pretty faces 7" cause it was at newbury comics and i just had too heh, and a shirt at planet aid... and i think i'm going to place an order with no idea, but i may wait for my next paycheck... i dont' know yet... the benton falls cd is everything i'd hoped for... so wonderful...

so things aren't awful... actually right now i feel pretty good for some reason... haha... sigh... i don't get it.. :-p

i'm home, it's the same as allways... sigh... why do the coolest people always seem to be just out of reach?

I went to a show the other night... I caugfht the last two bands... Transistor Transistor and Wolves.. I was near broke... so after the show i was at the transistor transistor table, and since i had a button already, i bought the 7" that was 2 bucks. A couple days later I finally switched the computer with the record player and listend... A.) the record player sounds much better than I thought. B) the 7" is fucking amazing... C) I'm hooked, I'm now a vinyl junkie, I pulled out my other 7s and also a bunch of records i borrowed from my dad... so good, i'm having so much fun. I decided from now on I buy vinyl, and burn the cds unless I love the band in which case I may buy both haha... mmm.... this is so awesome haha...

Date:	2003-12-20 10:12
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	contemplative

I had a dream that was just the story of my life right now... So why bother writing about it... Sigh... I had a good friend, but at the same time he'd be weird sometimes... I met this girl, and she wasn't interested in me. This sounds whiney heh, it's just really odd, and hard to explain. It wasn't the lack of interest that was something to write about, it was just they way things "felt." The whole dream itself wasn't something to write about, or it was but it's nothign without loads of detail. I guess though that the weirdest thing was the nature of the dream. It was a very vivid dream. It lasted essentially all night. I woke up on two occasions during the night and when I fell back to sleep it picked up where it left off... Only depressing dreams do that I guess. The mood was really weird. It was like a film, if I were to make a film... The lighting was odd.... kind of dark, much like my thanksgiving photos.... The setting was one of those classic familliar but not settings. I can't pinpoint anything other than that it was in a boston like city. Things were just really.. weird hahaha... ie... a drug deal at the other end of a parking lot, she says "it happens every night, you get used to it" one of the cars pulls out and drives by slowly and the guy makes eye contact with me. So weird, so clear. It was just like this strange commentary on the hopelessness of happiness... It was so depressing, while at the same time, nothign outwardly terribly depressing happened. That's how I feel almost every day.

I was rocking out last night... Writing some new songs... And it hit me... As i was getting into the music, throwing myself all over my little room and swinging my guitar, silently screaming... I want to go to pittsfield, book some show there... and tear that city apart... I want to play wiht the likes of the incline (although I guess they broke up) but you know... shitty local "punk." I want to go and play the most intense set imaginable... Leave people with their mouths hanging open and their ears ringing for days... Oh yeah... I think the incline started calling themselves screamo or something... haha so yeah even better... book a show with a shitty local punk with the occasional scream ala Taking Back Sunday type band... that call themselves screamo... and just yeah haha... I have so much hatred for that town, and what the scene there became, at least for a while the people had been cool... but yeah... I've allways wanted to go back there just to give it a big ol "FUCK YOU!" maybe visit the one or two really cool people there while i'm at it... haha... I think Collapsing on April would be down with that... and I'm sure if I can get this thing started with Stef he'd be down because he knows what I'm talking about haha... Oh man... I could rent out some shitty local venue... or even find some basement... and get a couple local bands.. and then have the two bands i'm in play haha... yeah... sigh i'm such a dork... Plaster signs all over the city... get as many people to come as possible. I love these rambling/venting posts with almost no meaning

keith

sometimes i question your humanity
are you just some biomechanical robot?
a machine?
with insuficient brain capacity to feel or to think
to know